Title: All or Nothing

Author: DocBevCulver

Series: TNG

Codes: P/C

Rating: K+

Parts: Complete story

Disclaimer: Paramount owns the characters, I just claim the story.

********************************************************

Part 1

Beverly stood her gaze directed to the stars that streamed by at warp 
3, her thoughts on nothing more then her loneliness. She spoke 
softly, "Why have let my life become so empty? Why have I let myself 
become so isolated?" She sighed as she ran a shaky hand through her 
auburn hair, "Why did I let him slip from my grasp so long ago?"

She slammed her fist against the view port, "Why do I continue to let 
him slip away?" She laid her forehead against the cool surface, "Why 
am I here asking all these questions anyway?"

The tears began to stream down her face. She turned to the bulkhead 
next to the view port and slid down to the floor, letting the sobs 
over-take her.

***********************************************

Jean-Luc stood outside her door, saying a silent prayer as he pressed 
the door chime with a shaky hand. 

He's trip to Ba'Ku had been cut short, due to his lack of interest in 
the planet now that the immediate threat was over. He really thought 
he had feeling for Anij, but she had helped him to see the error of 
his ways. 

**************************************

They sat on the small blanket, gazing at the stars. They sat there 
for several moments, enjoying the silence, when she had turned to him 
and asked him a simple question. "Have you ever loved someone so 
much, that it hurt to be in their life, yet, never really there?"

Jean-Luc nodded his head, "Yes."

Anij looked to him, "Was it someone that you see on a daily basis?"

He nodded once again.

"Do you still love her?"

Jean-Luc turned his hazel eyes to her, "Yes. I still love her. I 
always will, but it can never be."

"Why?"

Jean-Luc dropped his chin to his chest, adverting his eyes from her 
gaze, "Because we have let to much come between us. We have let what 
we had slip from our fingers." He sighed, "We have hurt one another 
far to much to repair the damage now."

"Why?" 

A single tear dropped from his eye, "I really don't know."

Anij took his hand, "Have you told her that you still feel the same?"

Jean-Luc wiped the tear from his cheek, "No."

"What is stopping you from doing that?" 

"I really don't know."

Anij squeezed his hand gently, "Why don't you go to her now. Tell her 
that you still feel this way. That you want to change things."

Jean-Luc brow creased, "Why are you doing this?"

Anij shrugged, a small smile gracing her face, "Maybe I just needed a 
sounding board." She placed her hand upon his right cheek and placed
a small kiss on his left, "You are not the only one cursed with a 
love that you feel is forever out of reach."

Jean-Luc smiled, "I understand."

He left the next day to return to the Enterprise and to finish what 
he had started over 30 years ago.

*************

Now he stood outside of Beverly's cabin and was receiving no response 
from the door chime. He called to the computer, "Location of Doctor 
Crusher?"

<"Doctor Crusher is in her quarters."> 

Growing concerned, he used his over-ride command and entered her 
quarters. The only illumination came from the stars that streaked by 
the view port.

He started to call for the lights, when he spotted her form on the 
floor directly next to the view port. 

He rushed to her side, "Beverly, are you all right?"

She snubbed and tried to speak, "I'm...fine...Jean...Luc..."

"Have you been crying?"

"Yes."

He pulled her to him, holding her tightly against his chest. He began 
to rub her back in small circles. Kissing the top of her head, "Would 
you like to tell me about it?"

Beverly just shook her head.

"Please, tell me...let me help you."

She squeezed him tightly, "Just hold me."

They sat on the floor for what seemed like hours, just holding each 
other tightly, until they both feel to an exhausted sleep.

*******************************************************

Part 2

Beverly began to stir, goaning with the effort as her muscles 
protested to the movement. Her un-natural sleeping position on the 
floor and caused them to become tight and sore. She felt his arms 
tighten around her, in a protective jester. She smiled, hoping this 
feeling would never go away. Feeling safe and secure, she nuzzled her 
face into his chest, seeking a more comfortable position.

"Are you comfortable?" Jean-Luc asked, his eyes never opening.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." She looked up to see his 
face, his smile was warm and made the feeling of safety grow within 
her. "But it's rather uncomfortable on this floor."

Jean-Luc moved slightly and his face showed his discomfort, "I'll 
have to agree with you. Maybe we should find another, more 
comfortable place to sit or sleep for that matter."

Beverly laughed, "I'll second that."

Jean-Luc released his grip as Beverly began to rise. Once she was on 
her feet, she held her hand out to him, "Care for a helping hand?"

He shook his head, "No, I think I can manage." With a few stretchs, 
he then began to rise.

"Very well." Beverly headed for the couch, she took her normal corner 
and pulled her legs to her chest. 

Jean-Luc recognized the movement and thought he'd better ask the 
question again before she shut him out, "Beverly?" When she raised 
her gaze and he knew he had her attention, he continued, his face 
growing solemn with each word, "What happened last night? Why were 
you crying?"

Beverly lowered her gaze, "Nothing really. I'd been working to hard 
and it finally caught up with me last night."

Jean-Luc took the spot directly beside her on the couch. Placing his 
hand on her chin, he lifted her head slowly, "Are you telling me the 
truth?"

Beverly smiled weakly, "Yes." Then her brow creased when it suddenly 
hit her, "Wait a minute."

"What?"

"What are you doing back so early?" She eyed him carefully.

"I decided to cut my vacation short." He reached for her hand and 
squeezed it gently, "Besides, I was beginning to miss the Enterprise."

'And you.' He thought as she smiled.

"I see, you thought we couldn't handle things here without you?"

He raised a hand, shaking his head slowly, "No, I know you all are 
very capable crew. I just missed the day-to-day activities."

Beverly's thoughts began to take over, 'What happened to cause him 
to come back so early.'

**********************************************************

Part 3

Beverly smiled contently as she felt strong arms wrap around her when 
she moved. 'Why did we let things go for so long?' She thought as she 
placed her arms on top of Jean-Luc's, squeezing them gently.

She lay there for several minutes, staring at the chronometer 
beside her bed. Listening to his slow breathing, feeling his heart 
beat against her back. As she continued to stare, she realized that 
the time was approaching for her shift in sickbay. She snuggled 
closer enjoying the warmth of his body pressed to hers for a few 
minutes longer, when Jean-Luc began to mumble something in his sleep. 
She strained to hear what he was saying when he moaned a few times and
the sounds remind her of the events that had transpired just a few 
hours before. A few words became clear and they where not what she 
expected, "Anij...thank you."

Beverly's mouth dropped, 'How dare he. He's thinking about her while 
he's holding me.' She huffed, prying his arms from around her and 
sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling the blanket around her body.

At the sudden loss of heat, Jean-Luc's eyes fluttered 
open, "Beverly?"

"Don't Beverly me." 

Jean-Luc rubbed his eyes, his confusion growing at the venom coming 
from her words, "Beverly, what's wrong?"

"How dare you think of her, while you lie in my bed," Beverly spoke, 
as she stood and began to pace the room, pulling the blanket tighter 
around her body. 

Jean-Luc laughed, "Beverly, what are you talking about?"

Beverly spun, pointing a finger at him, her eyes blazing, "You said 
Anij's name just a few minutes ago. I just can't believe that you 
could even *think* of her after the night we just spent together." 
Jean-Luc's laughter, caused her anger to grow, "How you can laugh 
about that. It's insulting."

Jean-Luc raised upon one elbow, extending his hand to her, "Come back 
to bed, Beverly."

"No." Her mind began to churn with ideas, "Did you come back early 
from your *vacation* because things didn't turn out the way you 
planned with Anij?" She threw her hands into the air, "Maybe all of 
this was because she turned you down and you thought, I'll give 
Beverly another try."

Jean-Luc's face fell at her words, "Why would you think that, 
Beverly."

"I don't know, maybe it was the way you spoke her name, or the 
moaning before hand. Maybe it's just the fact that it wasn't my name 
you spoke."

Jean-Luc sat up in the bed, gathering the sheet around his waist, 
"Beverly, it was only a dream. A man cannot be held..."

"For what his mind does, yeah, I've heard that before," Beverly 
spat. "It's a bunch of bull, Jean-Luc."

When she turned to walk from the bedroom, Jean-Luc called out, "The 
only reason Anij would even be mentioned is because she reminded me 
of what I had here and what I was letting slip away from me." When 
she turned he continued, his eyes filling with tears, "You, Beverly. 
You are the reason I came back, because I realized, I still love you
and that I only want you. Anij simply gave me the kick in the ass to 
get me back here to you."

Beverly's eyes began to brim with tears, for the token of love he had 
just given her. She stood in the door way for a few minutes, numb and 
feeling ashamed for her outburst. She walked slowly towards the bed 
and sat down carefully. Removing her hands from the tight hold on the 
blanket, she placed them on each side of his face, "I'm so sorry. I 
was being a real jerk." She laughed, "And if you can't tell, I'm an 
extremely jealous lover of anyone that takes my place in your life. 
Real, imagined, or just simply in your dreams." Leaning in, she kissed 
him fully on the lips, feeling her tears mingle with his. 

Breaking the kiss, she spoke, "I love you, Jean-Luc Picard and I don't 
want to miss any more moments. I've wasted too much time, and I don't 
want to any more. Forgive me?"

Jean-Luc smiled, placing a his hand on her cheek, stroking it 
softly, "Yes, I forgive you. I think I can live with your jealousy, 
as long as I never lose you. I love you."

He leaned forward, pulling her towards him. He kissed her deeply and 
the morning shifts where forgotten once again, as they made up for 
lost moments and their fight.

***********************************************

Part 4

One week later...

The senior staff where the first to notice the little changes. Such 
as, the Captain's hand lingering just a little longer on the CMO's 
hand on the table at meetings. The fact that both showed up to the 
poker game together, laughing and carrying on together, until the 
looks would stop them dead in their tracks. But the first thing was 
the smiles that brightened their commanding officer's faces was the 
true indication that things had changed. 

The entire crew was happy that things had finally changed for the 
better and that the couple were finally together after all these 
years, but none where happier the couple themselves.

Jean-Luc took the time that he normally spent in his ready room, with 
Beverly and vice versa. They didn't want to miss a minute of time 
together. 

************************************************

Two weeks later....

"So, where are we going?" Beverly asked.

Jean-Luc smiled, "I think we need to see a friend and thank her."

"Ba'Ku?" Beverly asked wrapping her arms around his neck from behind.

He chuckled, placing his hand over her crossed arms and squeezed 
gently, "Yes, I think Anij needs to see that we have took that 
final step."

Beverly placed a light kiss on the tip of his ear and whispered 
softly, "I totally agree." She released her hold and moved to the 
co-pilot chair beside him. "I think she would like that," she smiled, 
"I know I'd like to spend just a little time on the planet."

October 2000