Title: Beverly's Journal Entry 

Author: DocBevCulver

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, Paramount does. 

Author's Notes: Something that my muse felt needed to be put to paper... well so-to speak. ^_^


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Stardate: xxxxx.xx 



I just received a letter from Jean-Luc today, from Ba'ku and he has proposed to Anij.

I know I should be happy for him.  He is, after all, my best friend.  But there is a part of me that wishes it was my finger that he placed that ring on.  

I know it's my fault, I walked away that night, walked away from my one true chance at happiness with him.  I know that my nana rolled over in her grave that day.  

Oh how I wished she was here, wished she could have been there to talk to.  I know she would have given me a good swift kick the rear and told me to go back that night and tell him my feelings.  But she wasn't, and I made the stupid mistake of walking away and pretending as if nothing happened.

They say that hindsight is always twenty-twenty and I know I can't go back and fix things.  But it still hurts to know that he has now found happiness with someone else.  Someone that can give him the love he deserves, that he needs.  Someone that has the courage to give their whole being to him, someone that isn't me.

I know I'm wallowing in pity.  But dammit, I love the man, and I don't have the courage to tell him face to face.

I've also kept a secret from him, a secret that has been buried for so many years; I had almost forgot it.  I suppose I buried it and continued to tell myself that he wouldn't care to know the secret.

A part of me thinks he all ready knows, but to hear it out of my mouth now, after all these years would totally destroy our friendship.  Destroy what we have built for over 12 years now.  

Yes we were friends while Jack was alive, but after his death, well this just wasn't the same.  We did something that Jack would have never forgiven us for, and we could never forgive ourselves.  That is what drove us apart so many years ago, but we both buried it, and never brought it up.

For me to know bring it up, would be ridiculous.  To ruin is one true chance at happiness, because I'm jealous and lonely.  I could never do that to him.  I love him too much, to do that.

So I sit in my cabin on the Enterprise and write it in my journals.  I do this, in the hopes that he will read them, if something should ever happen to me.

So even in death, I'd be a coward.  I've never been scared of anything, other then heights, but the man and his love, scares the hell out of me.

Now that I start to think about it, I don't think he would care about what I had to say now.  Since the Enterprise-D crashed six years ago, our friendship isn't what it used to be.

We stopped having breakfast together, he stopped asking me to be his date on formal dinners, and hell we stopped talking.

When the Borg attacked, I didn't even know if I could talk him out of his decision to fight them.  If Lily hadn't been there, well, we would probably be gone now.  

I just stood there and agreed to his decision, when it should have been me, not Lily that talked to him made him listen to reason.